On Divorce and Marriage
(Matthew 5:31-32; Matthew 19:4-9)
It's been a pervasive cultural tragedy. We’ve seen it unfolding and wreaking havoc right in front of us. It weakens society. It ravages homes. It breaks human hearts. It’s real and it’s rough. The accounts, recollections, and damaging effects of it are far too many to be stated.
What am I alluding to? I'm talking about our departure from the covenant design of marriage. I’m talking about divorce. It’s affecting us in one way or another.
Divorce is certainly not the easiest topic to write about, much less discuss. This part of the Sermon on the Mount can make us feel very uncomfortable.
Young ones and singles may say, “That’s not for us.”
Seasoned couples may say, “I knew that already and there is no way that we would do that.”
If you have been touched in some direct way by divorce you may say, “I don’t want to hear this.”
I understand that this a hard subject to talk on. There are all manners of difficulties when we get into a closer look and deeper study of divorce. For some of you, this is a biblical and theological investigation, but for some this is an intensely emotional thing. I pray that as we study together, the Lord will use his word to bring about salvation, conviction, repentance, comfort, healing and freedom. (Read the passage and pray)
Recap: As someone who is greater than Moses, as the lawgiver, Jesus is redefining in the “Sermon on the Mount” what it means to live the blessed life in God’s kingdom.
Context: In Jesus’ day, there was a great deal of confusion and misunderstanding of God’s teaching on divorce. There was a growing debate between the Rabbinical schools of Shammai and Hillel on divorce. Rabbi Shammai said, “No man may divorce his wife, unless he found in her scandalous behavior [unchastity], [Deut. xxiv.].” Rabbi Hillel said, “Even if she spoiled his food…even if he found one more beautiful than her…If it happens that she found no favor in his eyes” he could divorce her. It is within this context that Jesus taught his disciples and gave his instructions on marriage and divorce.
Jesus addresses the Pharisees’ misinterpretation and misapplication of the laws of Moses.
Take note of the phrase that occurs 6x in Matthew 5 – “You have heard...but I SAY to you.” This formula should not be understood as Jesus’ act of amending and abolishing the law, rather, it should be read as Jesus correcting the Pharisees’ erroneous understanding and illegitimate use of the law.
Jesus’ sermons on adultery and divorce expand the teaching of the 7th commandment (Exodus 20:14, “You shall not commit adultery). According to Ligon Duncan, “The seventh commandment not only require us to be physically faithful, but it also requires heart fidelity.”
Jesus goes deeper in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus cares about more than physical acts or external obedience and a superficial understanding of the law. Jesus cares about the heart.
See the pattern: Jesus forbids the anger that leads to murder; lust that leads to adultery; discontentment that leads to divorce.
Application:
Why listen to what Jesus is teaching in verses 31-32? Why do we have to heed his kingdom ethics about adultery and divorce? Who is Jesus to tell me how to live (or not to live) my life?
Because Jesus is the ruler of his kingdom. Notice the most repeated phrase – “but I say to you” (Verses 18; 20; 22, 26 about murder; 28 about lust; 32 about divorce; 34; 39; 44 = 9x). The “I say” speaks of Christ’s authority and the “to you” speaks of our ethics. The “I say” is foundational to the “belief and behavior” of all kingdom citizens. The “I say” speaks of Christ as the ruler of the kingdom. He is the KING of the kingdom. This is pretty much consistent with one of the main themes of Matthew – “Jesus as the King.” In Chapter 1, Jesus is introduced as the “King of the Jews” and in Chapter 28, He is presented as the King of the world (e.g., “All authority in heaven on earth has been given to me…”).
Christ is issuing a call for consistency between our inward thoughts and our outward actions. Christ is issuing a call for purity and fidelity.
Jesus affirms God’s covenant design and the sanctity of marriage
Illustration (John Scott, Presbyterian minister). When a couple calls him, to come to speak to him, either individually or collectively about divorce, he says this, “I will not talk with you about divorce until I have first had an opportunity to talk with you about marriage and then about reconciliation. And then and only then will we move on to the third topic.”
Jesus’ message in Matthew 5:31-32 and Matthew 19:4-12 is really a discussion of marriage. These texts are much more a marriage passage than a divorce passage. The Pharisees came up to Jesus and their preoccupation was about the grounds for divorce. Jesus wanted to talk about the sanctity of marriage. That’s a profound difference.
What did Jesus say about marriage?
Jesus emphasizes the intimacy of the marriage relationship (one flesh) – Kent Hughes, “Marriage is the deepest human relationship.” “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:23-24; Matthew 19:4-5).
Jesus emphasizes God’s intention for marriage to be permanent – (19:6) “… What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Application: Do you remember your wedding vows? Dave Harvey wrote a book entitled, “I Still Do.” It’s a book that applies to good marriages as well as bad marriages. The main point is that when your marriage goes through “defining moments” (e.g., moments of weakness, suffering, or when kids leave the nest), would respond by saying “I still do”? Now, look at your spouse - Do you love him/her? Do you honor him/her? Do you keep him/her…in sickness and in health…for as long as you both shall live? I hope you say, “I STILL DO!”
Jesus asserts that divorce is “only” a concession to man’s sin and a consequence of lust and discontent.
Have you heard of the joke about the reason why most marriages ended up in divorce? Answer, because the bride did not marry the “Best Man.” That’s funny, isn’t it?
But divorce is not something that we should joke about. It’s no laughing matter. It’s a big deal. Kevin de Young was right when he said that, in understanding the Sermon on the Mount, particularly this section on divorce, it is important to understand “not only the language of the text, but also the mood of the text.” And here Jesus is giving his disciples a warning. That though God gave a very narrow (take note of that ‘very narrow”) allowance for divorce, citizens of God’s kingdom should strive against it.
Gravity of divorce - Jesus’ conversation with the Pharisees in Matthew 19:4-9 is very enlightening. Jesus stated that the reason God allowed divorce was the hardness of heart of Israel. It was a divine concession to man’s fallen condition. Kent Hughes exclaimed, “reluctant permission at best!” Divorce is a concession and not a command. It’s an accommodation to realities of life in a depraved and broken world.
Ground for divorce - Adultery is the one reason here for divorce (There is another one in 1 Corinthians which is desertion). The word that is used is porneia (sexual immorality). Porneia entails those external sexual actions which would clearly break the one-flesh principle of marriage. They involve sexual union with someone other than one’s marriage partner. The offended party in a marriage where sexual immorality has taken place is permitted to divorce. Porneia alone breaks the covenant bond.
What are some of the invalid grounds for divorce? (Jim Newheiser, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage, 166-171): (1) “My spouse isn’t a Christian.” (2) “We weren’t married in a church.” (3) “My spouse is a huge disappointment.” (4) “We are no longer in love.” (5) “I married the wrong person.” (6) “I owe it to myself to be happy. God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy.” (7) “All my friends say that I ought to leave him (her).” (8) “God will forgive me.” These are all invalid and unbiblical grounds for divorce. “Divorce is not permissible for every reason. It is not required for any reason” (Kevin De Young). Jesus warns the people of his day and ours by restating plainly the concession of divorce in light of the covenant bond of marriage.
Divorce, with this particular ground (porneia), is permissible, BUT IT IS NEVER COMMANDED OR REQUIRED.
Consider the ramifications of divorce and remarriage – It is never easy when a marriage ends.
In relation to divorce and remarriage, it is always for our welfare and good that we get to uphold, no matter how hard, Jesus’ standard of morality. Even if you think that divorce and remarriage are necessary, you have to ask yourself (1) “Can I get hurt?’ (morality of caution); and (2) “Can I hurt others?” (morality of concern).
Application:
Husbands and Wives, love that stays. Remember that the whole design and purpose of marriage was God’s idea. If you’re married, you have to tell yourself and your spouse, every waking moment, every waking breath, “our marriage is God’s idea. Our marriage is God’s creation.” Bear in mind that your loyalty (exclusive loyalty; lifelong loyalty; bodily loyalty) to your partner (husband or wife) points beyond itself to the union between Christ and his church.
Marriage is a sacred bond that should not be broken (Matt. 10:9). God’s intention and original design for marriage is for it to be permanent (Gen. 2:24). While the Bible speaks of “grounds” (Immorality, Matt. 5; 19; desertion 1 Cor. 7), we need to understand that these are a concession to human sin. They might be permitted, but they are not required. This is a complex issue, Pastors, elders and deacons who give counsel to couples in troubled relationships need to discern the Lord’s will and apply God’s word correctly.
We should be concerned not only to protect our own marriages, but also the marriages of others. We are accountable to each other. Have an accountability partner/s.
Our society is no friend of sexual purity and covenant fidelity. Our culture tends to normalize things that are evil in God’s sight and only seek to control the results of these immoral and destructive thoughts and practices. As citizens of God’s kingdom, we must go against the popular opinion of our day (e.g., “casual or recreational sex”) and the attempt to “separate what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9; Matthew 19:6). We must have a strict and serious view of sin. God said in Ephesians 5:3, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.”
This is a real heart issue. Daniel Doriani was on point when he said, “Wherever they begin, marital problems end with the heart.” (REC, Matthew, 159). The best way to avoid divorce is to avoid hardness of heart. Hardness of heart is what takes place when the means of grace (Word, Prayer and Sacraments) are neglected and worldliness follows.
The greatest source of healing is the grace of God poured into our hearts. Martin Lloyd-Jones said, “even adultery is not the unforgivable sin. It is terrible sin, but God forbid that there should be anyone who feels that he or she sinned himself or herself outside the love of God or his kingdom because of adultery.” (Illustration: Matt Chandler: Jesus wants the rose).
Come to Christ! He will faithfully heal your wounds. He alone can turn your brokenness to blessing; your tears into triumph and the hurts of a family are healed through him. Through Christ alone.